Dazai Osamu -Oblique Sun 4-2

　Thirty. Until twenty-nine, a woman still has the scent of a maiden. When I looked outside, I saw the sea glittering in the midday sun like a shard of glass. When I read that novel, I lightly affirmed that it was true, and kept it clear. I miss the days when I thought with impunity that a woman's life would be over by the age of thirty. As each bracelet, neckpiece, dress, and sash disappeared from around my body, the scent of maidenhood in my body gradually faded away. Bad, middle-aged woman. Oh, no. But the life of a middle-aged woman also has a woman's life, doesn't it? Recently, I have come to understand that. I remember an English teacher who said to me at the age of nineteen when she returned to England, "You are in love.
She said, "You must not fall in love. If you fall in love, you will be unhappy. If you are going to fall in love, do it when you are older. Wait until you are thirty.
　However, even though I was told that, I was at a loss. But even though he said that, I was still puzzled, because I couldn't imagine what I would do when I was thirty.
I heard a rumor that you are going to sell this villa.
　Master suddenly said with a mean expression on his face.
　I laughed.
I'm sorry. It reminded me of the Cherry Orchard. You will buy it for me, won't you?
　The Master, who seemed to have sensed the situation very sensitively, twisted his mouth as if in anger and kept silent.
　It is true that there was talk of this house as a residence for a certain sovereign for 500,000 new yen, but that was put to rest, and the Master must have heard rumors about it. But he seemed to be in a bad mood, saying that he couldn't stand the thought of us thinking of him as the ropahin of the Cherry Orchard.
　What I want from you now is not ropahin. I can tell you that for sure. Just accept the intrusion of a middle-aged woman.
　It was about six years ago when I first met you. At that time, I didn't know anything about you. I just thought that you were my brother's master, and a somewhat bad master at that. So we drank a glass of sake together, and then you played a little prank on me. But I was fine with it. I just felt like I was a lot lighter. I didn't like you, didn't dislike you, didn't have anything against you. Eventually, to please my brother, I borrowed your books from him and read them, some interesting, some not so interesting, and I was not an avid reader, but for six years, at some point, you became like a fog that permeated my mind. What we did that night on the basement stairs suddenly came vividly back to me, and I felt as if it was something so serious that it would determine my fate. I felt as if I were in love. You are so different from other men. I am not in love with a writer, like Nina in The Seagull. I'm not in love with a novelist. If you think I'm a literary girl, I'll be confused. I want to have your baby.
　If we had met a long time ago, when you were still alone and I had not yet gone to the mountains, and if we had gotten married, I might not have suffered as much as I do now, but I have given up hope of ever marrying you. I don't want to push your wife away because that would be like brutal violence. I don't mind being a mekake (I hate to say this word, but even if I say "mistress," it must be a mekake in common parlance, so I will say it clearly). But I hear that the life of a normal concubine is a difficult one. According to some people, concubines are usually discarded when they are no longer needed. After sixty or so, all men go back to their wives, no matter what. That's why you shouldn't just become a concubine, I once heard an old man and his nanny in Nishikatamachi discussing it. I've heard the old man and the nanny of Nishikatamachi discussing how not to be a concubine, but that's just the way it is with concubines in general. I think the most important thing for you is your work. And if you like me, it would be good for your work if the two of us got along well. If you like me, it will be good for your business if we get along well. I know it sounds like a crazy, contrived theory, but I don't think there's anything wrong with my idea.
　The only question is your reply. Whether you like me or not, or whether you don't mind me or not, your reply is very frightening, but I have to hear it. In my last letter, I wrote that I was an intrusive lover, and in this letter, I wrote that I was an intrusive middle-aged woman. After all, without your words, it would have been useless.
　It suddenly occurred to me that although you write a lot about your love adventures in your novels and are rumored by the public to be a terrible villain, you are really a man of common sense. I don't know what common sense is. As long as you can do what you want, it's a good life. I want to have your baby. I don't want to have someone else's baby, no matter what. That's why I'm asking you for help. If you understand, please reply to me. Please let me know exactly how you feel.
　The rain has stopped and the wind has started to blow. It is now three o'clock in the afternoon. I'm going to go get my six-pack of first-class sake. I will put two bottles of rum in a bag, put this letter in my breast pocket, and go to the village below in about ten minutes. I will not let my brother drink this alcohol. Kazuko will drink it. Every night, I drink a glass of it. Sake is really meant to be drunk in a glass, isn't it?
　Why don't you come with me?
Mr. M.C.

　It's raining again today. It's drizzling like you can't see. I've been waiting for your reply day after day without going out, but I haven't heard from you until today. What in the world are you thinking about? Was it wrong for me to write about the Grand Master in my letter the other day? Did you think that I was trying to stir up a competitive spirit by writing such a marriage proposal? But that marriage proposal was never made again. I laughed about it with my mother earlier. The other day, she told me that the tip of her tongue was hurting, so Naoharu recommended that she try the aesthetic therapy, and thanks to that therapy, the pain in her tongue went away, and she is feeling a bit better these days.
　Just now, I was standing on the porch, watching the drizzle swirling and blowing, and thinking about your feelings.
I was thinking about your feelings when your mother came toward the dining room and said, "Come in, I've boiled some milk.
　It's cold.
It's cold, so I made it very hot.
　As we sat in the dining room, enjoying the steaming hot milk, we talked about the master of the other day.
We talked about the other day's master as we sat in the dining room drinking steaming hot milk.
　Your mother was unconcerned.
"We don't match.
　I'm so selfish.
I'm so selfish, and I don't even like artists, and besides, I hear she has a lot of money, so it would be nice to marry her. But I can't.
　Your mother laughed.
Kazuko is a bad girl. Kazuko is such a bad girl. Even though she is such a bad girl, the other day she was talking with that man, looking like she was enjoying something. I don't understand your feelings.
I don't know how you feel. I wish we could have talked more. I'm not very sophisticated, am I?
No, you're all over the place. You're all over Kazuko.
　Your mother is doing very well today.
　Then she looked at my hair, which I had put up for the first time yesterday.
She then looked at my hair, which she had put up for the first time yesterday, and said, "An updo is good for people with little hair. Your updo is so magnificent that I want to put a small gold crown on it. You failed.
Kazuko was disappointed. I'm disappointed in Kazuko. When did your mother tell you that you have a beautiful white neckline and that you should try not to hide it?
That's all you remember, isn't it?
I will never forget a compliment, even a small one. It's more fun to remember.
Didn't he give you a compliment the other day?
Yes, he did. Yes, that's why I'm so attached to him. When I'm with him, I feel inspired, and I love it. I don't mind artists, but I can't stand people who are so pretentious, like they are personalities.
"What kind of person is your master?
　What is your master like?
"I don't know, but he's Naoji's master anyway.
What kind of person is he?
　I don't know.
"That's a funny word. If he's got a tag, he's safe. It's so cute, like a kitten with a bell around its neck. It's the delinquents without tags that scare me.
I don't think so.
　I was so happy that I felt as if my body was being sucked up into the sky in a cloud of smoke. Do you understand?　Do you know why I was so happy? If you don't, I'll punch you in the face at …….
　Why don't you really come and visit us for a while?　It would be somewhat unnatural and strange if I were to ask Naoji to bring you with him, so you can pretend that you stopped by here on a whim out of your own drunkenness and let him guide you, but if at all possible, please come alone, while he is away on a business trip to Tokyo. But if at all possible, please come alone, when Naoji is away on a business trip to Tokyo. If Naoji is there, he will take you and you will probably go to Osaki-san's place for a drink of shochu and never see him again. In my family, it seems that our ancestors have always been fond of artists. A painter named Korin once stayed at our house in Kyoto for a long time and painted beautiful pictures on our sliding doors. So I am sure that your mother will be very happy to see you. You will probably be sleeping in the western-style room on the second floor. Please don't forget to turn off the lights. I walked up the dark stairs, holding a small candle in my hand.　It's too early.