Dazai Osamu -Oblique Sun 4-1

　I was wondering for a long time whether I should write to you or not. But this morning, I suddenly remembered Jesus' words, "Be as straightforward as a dove and as wise as a serpent," which strangely cheered me up and I decided to write to you. I'm Naohji's sister. Have you forgotten me? If you have forgotten, please remind me.
　I'm sorry that Naoji bothered you again the other day and caused you a lot of trouble. (But the truth is, Naoharu's affairs are his own business, and I feel it's nonsense for me to come and apologize to him. Today, I would like to ask you a favor, not about Naoji, but about me. I heard from Naoji that you suffered an accident in your apartment in Kyobashi and that you moved to your current address, and I thought about visiting you at your home in the suburbs of Tokyo, but your mother has been a little sick again since the other day, and I just can't leave her alone and go to Tokyo. So I have decided to write to you.
　There is something I would like to discuss with you.
　From the standpoint of the Women's University, my request for advice may be very cunning, cruel, and even a vicious crime, but I, no, we, are not going to be able to live as we are, so I am going to ask you, whom my younger brother Naoji seems to respect the most in the world, to listen to my unchanging feelings and give me some guidance.
　I can't stand my current life. It's not that I like it or dislike it, it's just that I don't think the three of us, father and son, will be able to survive like this.
　Yesterday, I was feeling sick, my body was hot, I was suffocating, and I was overwhelmed with myself, when a little after noon, a farmer's daughter came in the rain carrying a bag of rice on her back. I gave her the clothes I had promised her. She sat down in the dining room facing me, sipping tea, and said in a very real tone, "You know, you can't just sell your things.
In a very real tone of voice, she said, "How long will you be able to make a living from selling your things?
　I said.
"Half a year, maybe a year," I replied.
　I replied. Then, half-covering my face with my right hand, I said, "I'm sleepy.
"I'm sleepy. I'm so sleepy, I can't help it.
　I'm tired.
I'm tired. It's a nervous breakdown that makes you sleepy.
"I'm sure it is.
　I was on the verge of tears, and suddenly the words realism and romanticism came to my mind. I don't have any realism in me. I felt chills all over my body as I wondered if I would be able to live like this. My mother is half sick, sleeping and waking up, and my younger brother, as you know, is very sick at heart. When he is here, he goes to work at a nearby inn and restaurant to drink shochu, and every three days he goes on a business trip to Tokyo with the money from selling our clothes. But this is not what makes me sad. I just feel horrible that I can see my own life rotting away in the midst of this daily life, just like the leaves of a basho tree rotting away without falling. I can't stand it. That's why I want to escape from my current life, even if it means turning away from the "Women's University.
　That's why I'd like to ask you for advice.
　I want to make a clear statement to my mother and brother. I want to make it clear to my mother and brother that I have been in love with a certain person for a long time, and that I intend to live as his mistress in the future. I'm sure you know this person. The initials of her name are M.C. For a long time, whenever something painful happened to me, I wanted to go to M.C. I felt like I was dying.
　M.C. has a wife and children, just like you. He also seems to have female friends who are more beautiful and younger than me. I have never met M.C.'s wife, but she seems to be a very kind and good person. When I think of her, I think of myself as a horrible woman. However, I feel that my current life is even more horrible than that, and I can't stop myself from relying on M.C. I want to be as honest as a dove and as wise as a snake, and I want to make my love work. However, I am sure that neither my mother, brother, nor anyone else in the world will agree with me. How about you? I cry when I think that I have no choice but to think and act alone. It's the first time in my life. I wondered if there was a way to accomplish this difficult task with the blessings of everyone around me, as if I were trying to figure out the answer to some complicated algebraic factoring or something. I felt as if there was a clue to unraveling the whole thing.
　However, I wondered what M.C., the person in charge, thought of me. When I think about it, I feel depressed. So to speak, I am an impostor, ……… what should I call it, an impostor wife, or an impostor mistress, or something like that. If M.C. doesn't like it, it's over. That's why I'm asking you. So, I ask you, please, ask that person yourself. One day, six years ago, a faint, pale rainbow appeared on my chest. It was neither love nor love, but as the years passed, the rainbow became more and more colorful, and I have never lost sight of it. A rainbow in a clear sky in the evening will eventually fade away, but a rainbow in a person's chest will never fade away. Please ask that person about it. I wonder what she really thought of me. Did she really think of me like a rainbow in the sky after the rain? Did they think that I had already disappeared?
　If so, then I, too, must get rid of my rainbow. But if I don't erase my life first, the rainbow in my heart is unlikely to disappear.
　I pray for your answer.
Dear Jiro Uehara (My Chekhov. My Chekhov, M.C.)
I am getting fatter little by little these days. Rather than becoming an animalistic woman, I think I am becoming more like a human being. This summer, I read only one novel by Lawrence.

　I have not received a reply, so I will write to you again. You must have seen through every one of the letters I gave you the other day, which were full of very cunning and snake-like schemes. Truly, I tried to use all my cunning in every line of that letter. After all, I'm sure you must have thought that I was only writing to you to ask for money to save my life, and that's all. I don't deny it, but if I wanted a patron of my own, with all due respect, I would not have chosen you in particular. I have a feeling that there are many other rich old men who would love me. In fact, the other day I had a strange marriage proposal. He was a bachelor over sixty, a member of an art academy or something like that, and he came to the lodge to ask for me. This master lived near our house in Nishikatamachi, so we sometimes met him as neighbors. One day, I remember it was an autumn evening, when my mother and I were driving past the master's house, and he was standing alone by the gate of his house. The master's pale black face turned redder than the autumn leaves.
I wonder if he'll come.
　I said excitedly.
You love your mother, don't you?
　But she calmed down.
But she calmed down and said to herself, "No, you're a great man.
　No, he's a great man," she said to herself. It seems to be our family tradition to respect artists.
　The master had lost his wife the other year, and through Wada's uncle and a fellow chanting Tengu, a member of the imperial family, he made a request to his mother.　She said, "Why don't you give the Master your answer directly?
"You don't mind if I refuse, do you?
You can't do that. …… I thought it was impossible, too.
　At that time, the Master was at his villa in Karuizawa, so I sent a reply to the villa to say no. On the second day after I sent the letter, the Master himself stopped by on his way to work at a hot spring in Izu. He didn't know anything about my reply, so he came to the lodge unannounced. It seems that artists, no matter how old they are, are capable of such childish indulgences.
　Since your mother was not feeling well, I took care of her, served her tea in the kitchen, and gave her a letter of refusal.
I'm sure your letter of refusal has arrived in Karuizawa by now. I've thought it over.
　I thought it over.
"I see.
　He said in a hurried tone, wiped off his sweat, and said, "But I'm afraid I'll have to ask you again.
But please think about it again. I may not be able to make you mentally happy, so to speak, but I can make you materially happy, no matter what. I can say this clearly. Well, that's a bit of a ramble.
I don't really understand what you mean by happiness. I'm sorry if I sound cocky, but I'm not. In one of Chekhov's letters to his wife, he said, "Please have children, please have our children. In one of Nietzsche's essays, he wrote about a woman who wants to have a child. I want to have a child. Happiness is not important to me. I want money, but only if I have enough money to raise a child.
　The Master laughed in a funny way.
The Master laughed in a funny way and said, "You are a rare person. You are a rare person who can say exactly what you want to anyone. With a person like you, I may get a new inspiration for my work.
　He said, sounding a little uncomfortable for such a gentleman. I thought that if I could really rejuvenate the work of such a great artist, it would be a worthwhile thing to do, but I couldn't help but think of myself in the arms of this master.
"Is it okay if I don't have the heart of love?
　I asked with a little smile.
The Master replied seriously, "That's fine for women. It's okay for women to be vague.
　The master said seriously, "That's fine for women.
But for a woman like me, I can't think about marriage without a heart of love. I'm already an adult. Next year, I will be thirty.
　I felt as if I wanted to cover my mouth when I said that.