Dazai Osamu -Oblique Sun 4-3

　I like delinquents. I like delinquents, and I like delinquents with badges. That's why I want to become a delinquent with a badge. I feel like there is no other way for me to live. You are probably the best delinquent in Japan. My brother told me that many people have been attacking you recently, calling you abominable and disgusting, and that they hate you very much. I'm sure you have a lot of amis in your life, but I'm sure you will gradually come to love me alone. I don't know why, but I can't help but feel that way. Then you will be able to live with me and work happily every day. Ever since I was a little girl, people have often said to me, "When I'm with you, I forget my hardships. I've never been rejected by anyone before in my life. Everyone has told me that I am a good girl. That's why I believe that you would never dislike me either.
　It would be good if we could meet. I don't need an answer or anything else right now. I want to see you. I suppose it would be easier if I were to visit you at your home in Tokyo, but I can't do that because your mother seems to be half sick and I am her nurse and maid. I beg you. Please come here. I want to see you at once. Then, you will know everything when you see me. Look at the faint wrinkles on the sides of my mouth. Look at the wrinkles of a century of sorrow. My face will tell you more clearly what is in my heart than any of my words.
　In the first letter I gave you, I wrote about the rainbow that hangs over my heart, but that rainbow is not something as elegant and beautiful as the light of a firefly or the light of a star. If it had been such a faint and distant thought, I would not have suffered so much, and I would have been able to gradually forget you. The rainbow in my heart is a bridge of fire. My heart is burning. It's not as painful as the feeling of a drug addict when he runs out of his drug and asks for it. I know I'm not wrong, I know I'm not naughty, but sometimes I'm horrified when I suddenly realize that I'm about to do something very, very stupid. There are many times when I feel sorry for myself, thinking that I might be going crazy. But I also plan things calmly. I really hope you will come here once. It doesn't matter when you come. I'm not going anywhere, and I'm always waiting for you. Please trust me.
　If you don't want to see me again, please say so. The flame in my heart was ignited by you, so you must extinguish it. I can't put it out by myself. Anyway, if you see me, if you see me, I will be saved. In the days of the Manyoshu and the Tale of Genji, what I'm saying would have been nothing. What I want. To become your mistress and the mother of your children.
　If anyone scoffs at such a letter, he is scoffing at a woman's effort to live. It is someone who ridicules the life of a woman. I can't stand the stagnant air of the harbor, and I want to raise my sails even if there is a storm outside the harbor. The sails that can rest are, without exception, dirty. I'm sure that all the people who ridicule me are sails that can rest. I can't do anything about it.
　I am a troubled woman. However, I am the one who suffers the most from this problem. It is nonsense for a bystander, who is not suffering at all from this problem, to criticize this problem while letting the sails rest ugly and slack. I don't want people to call me an ideologue. I am a non-thinker. I have never acted on the basis of ideology or philosophy, not even once.
　I know that all the good and respected people in the world are liars and phonies. I don't trust the world. I don't trust the world, and the only people who are on my side are bad guys with bills. A delinquent with bills. I'm willing to die on that cross. Even if everyone accuses me, I can still say it back. You are more dangerous delinquents with no tags on you.
　Do you understand?
　There is no reason for this. I was a little too cynical. I think I was just imitating my brother. I'm just waiting for you to come. I want to see you again. That's all.
　Waiting. Oh, there are many emotions in human life, such as joy, anger, sadness, hatred, and so on, but they only make up one percent of human life, and the other 99 percent is just living in waiting. The other ninety-nine percent of our lives are spent waiting, waiting for the footsteps of happiness to arrive in the hallway. Oh, human life is so miserable. The reality is that we all wish we had never been born. And so, every day, from morning to night, we are waiting for something in vain. It's too miserable. I am glad that I was born, and I want to be happy for life, for human beings, and for the world.
　Can't you push away the morality that holds you back?
　M.C. (My, not Chekhov's initials. I don't want to be a writer. My, Child.