Dazai Osamu -Oblique Sun 2-3

By "apprentice," do you mean maid?
No, it was my uncle, you know, from Komaba.
　"My uncle, you know, from Komaba," he said, referring to a certain sovereign.
He said that since she was related to us, Kazuko would not be so lonely and uncomfortable if she went into service as a tutor for Himemiya.
Isn't there any other way to work?
He said that Kazuko would never be able to find another job.
Why not?　You know, why not?
　Her mother only smiled sadly, but did not answer in any way.
No!　I don't want to talk about it.
　I don't want to talk about it." I thought I had said something wrong, but I couldn't stop myself. But I couldn't stop myself.
"I'm the one who made these Tabi Shoes, these Tabi Shoes.
　When I said this, tears came to my eyes and I started to cry. I raised my face, brushed away the tears with the back of my hand, and turned to my mother, thinking, "I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I shouldn't." The words came out one after another, as if unconsciously, without any relation to my body.
The words came out one after another, as if unconsciously, unrelated to the physical body, "You said it yourself. You said that Kazuko's presence was the reason why your mother went to Izu. You said that without Kazuko, you would die. That's why Kazuko never goes anywhere, but stays by your mother's side, wearing Tabi Shoes like this, thinking only of giving her delicious vegetables, but when she hears that Naoharu is coming back, she suddenly interrupts me and asks me to be the maidservant of Her Highness. It's too much.
　She thought she was saying a terrible thing, but she couldn't stop herself from speaking, as if she were a different creature.
When we become poor and have no money, why don't we sell our kimonos? Why don't we sell our kimonos and this house? I can do anything I want. I can be anything. I can be a female clerk in the village office, I can be anything. If they don't use me at the town hall, I can be a jotomake. Poverty is nothing. If only my mother would take care of me, I would stay by her side for the rest of my life, but she loves Naoji more than me. I'm leaving. I'm leaving. I've always been at odds with Naoji anyway, so the three of us living together would be unhappy for both of us. I have lived alone with my mother for so long that I have nothing left to regret. I hope that from now on, Naoji and your mother will live together without water, and that you will do your duty to your parents. I'm sick of this. I'm tired of the life we've been leading. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave right now, today. I have a place to go.
　I stood up.
"Kazuko!
　She said sternly, then stood up straighter, with more dignity in her face than she had ever shown me before, and faced me, so that she looked a little taller than I was.
　I wanted to say "I'm sorry" right away, but I couldn't bring myself to say it, and instead another word came out.
I deceived you. Your mother deceived me. She was using me until Naoharu came. I'm her maid. Now that you're done, she wants you to go to the palace.
　I stood up and cried out as loud as I could.
I stood up and cried as hard as I could, "You are such a fool.
　I looked up and saw my mother's voice trembling with anger.
　I raised my head.
Yes, you are a fool. That's right, you're a fool. You're a fool and you're in my way. Wouldn't you be better off without them?　What does it mean to be poor?　What does money mean?　I don't know. Love, your mother's love, that's all I've ever believed in.
　I've lived my life believing in love, in your love.
　Her mother turned her face away. She was crying. I wanted to say I'm sorry and hug her, but my hands were stained from working in the fields, and I felt a little guilty.
I'm leaving.　I'm leaving. I have somewhere to go.
　I ran to the bathroom, washed my face and hands and feet, and then went to my room to change my clothes. I cried so hard that I lost weight and began to feel faint. Gradually, I began to miss someone so much that I couldn't wait to see his face and hear his voice.
　In the early evening, her mother quietly came upstairs to the western room, flicked on the light, and came over to the bed.
Kazuko.
　She came up to the bed and called out very softly, "Kazuko.
"Yes?
　I got up, sat on the bed, scratched my hair with both hands, looked at her face, and smiled.
　I sat up in bed, scratched my hair with my hands, looked at her face and giggled. She giggled too, and then sank deeply into the sofa under the window.
For the first time in my life, I disobeyed my uncle Wada's orders. I disobeyed Uncle Wada's orders for the first time in my life. …… Your mother has just written a letter in reply to your uncle. She wrote that I should take care of my children. Kazuko, let's sell our kimonos. Let's sell more and more of their kimonos, waste as much as we can, and live a luxurious life. I don't want you to work in the fields anymore. I don't care if you buy expensive vegetables. You can't do that kind of work every day.
　To tell the truth, I was beginning to find it a little difficult to work in the fields every day. The reason why I had cried so madly earlier was because I was tired of working in the fields and sadness all mixed together, and I felt so jealous and fed up with everything.
　I sat on my bed, slumped over, and kept silent.
Kazuko.
Yes.
Where do you mean you have somewhere to go?
　I was aware that I was turning red all the way to my neck.
"Hosoda-sama?
　I remained silent.
　Your mother gave a deep sigh.
Can I tell you something about the past?
Please.
　Please," I whispered.
I whispered, "When you left Mr. Yamaki's house and came back to our house in Nishikatamachi, I don't think your mother said anything to reproach you, but she did say one thing: she was betrayed by you. Do you remember?　Then you started crying. …… I felt bad for using such a horrible word, betrayal. ……
　But when your mother told me that, I was so grateful that I cried with joy.
But when my mother told me that, I cried with joy, because I was so grateful. "What she meant by betrayal was not that you had left the Yamaki family. It was when Mr. Yamaki told me that Kazuko was actually in love with Hosoda. When she told me that, I really felt like my face was going to change. Because Mr. Hosoda had a wife and a child long before that, and no matter how much I adored him, I couldn't do anything about it. ……
It's a terrible thing to be in love. It's just that Mr. Yamaki thought it was a bad idea.
I doubt that. I hope you are not still in love with that Hosoda-sama. Where are you going?
I'm not going to Mrs. Hosoda.
Really?　Then where is it?
"Mother, I was thinking the other day, what is the one thing that makes us completely different from other animals?　They may even have faith. Humans claim to be the spiritual head of all things, but we don't seem to be any different from other animals in any essential way, do we?　But, Mother, there is one thing. You don't understand, do you? You don't understand, but there is one thing that no other creature has, and only humans have. It's called a princess. How about it?
　Her mother blushed slightly and laughed beautifully.
She smiled beautifully and said, "Oh, I hope Kazuko's dream will bear good fruit. Every morning, your mother prays to your father to make Kazuko happy.
　In my mind's eye, I could see the scene of the autumn field as I drove through Nasuno with your father, and then got off at the halfway point. Hagi (bush clover), Nadeshiko (Japanese apricot), Rindo (Japanese apricot), Onarohana (Japanese apricot), and other autumn flowers were in bloom. The wild grapes were still green.
　Then, I was on a motorboat with my father on Lake Biwa, and I jumped into the water. A small fish living in the algae hit my leg, and the shadow of my leg was clearly visible on the bottom of the lake.
　I slid off the bed, hugged my mother's lap, and said for the first time
I slid off the bed and hugged her, and for the first time, I was able to say, "Mother, I'm sorry about earlier.
　I was able to say, "I'm sorry about earlier.
　That day, I think, was when the last remaining light of our happiness shone, and then Naoji came back from the south, and our real hell began.